Oh, by the rotting bark of Yggdrasil, gather ‘round, young rocks and old boulders, for Trollgur brings ye news so absurd it makes a drunken reindeer look wise.
So here’s the tale: In the land of Many Cheeseburgers and Bald Eagles, the mighty (and by mighty, I mean full of wind and cheese) leader Trumpthor the Orange has decided that over six thousand living folk are now dead. Kaputt. Gone. Off to Valhall—except, they’re still very much alive. Breathing. Eating. Probably watching soap operas.
Why, ye ask? Because in Trumpthor’s twisted cave logic, if ye tell someone they’re dead long enough, they might just leave the country out of sheer confusion. Aye, this is what the humans call a “deportation strategy.” We trolls just call it lunacy seasoned with dragon spit.
And who helped this madness? His loyal goblins, Noemrikk the Ice-Haired from the Homeland Caverns and Dudeknokk the Pencil Pusher, high atop the Bureau of Death-That-Isn’t-Death (also called the Social Security Mountains).
They snuck the names of real, living immigrant folk into the Death Master Scroll – a mighty cursed list used to stop the dead from stealing cookies or pensions. But lo! These people weren’t dead at all! Just foreign! A foul crime, apparently.
Once on the Death Scroll, the poor souls couldn’t:
- Work their jobs (gasp!)
- Use banks (oh no!)
- Get healing potions (what humans call “Medicaid” and “Medicare”)
Imagine wakin’ up to feed yer goats, only to be told, “Sorry, ye died last week.”
Aye, happened to me once, but I was actually dead for a few days, so that’s different.
Heroic outrage came from the Cave of Common Sense, where wise elder Nancy the Altwoman bellowed, “This is madness! People will suffer! They might even… perish for real!”
Ho ho! Hearken, puny mortals and wandering tech-seekers! The trolls of the north, with moss in their beards and wisdom in their warts, adore the ETOE Dolphin projector from Geekbuying. Why? Because even deep in our damp mountain caves, it casts bright, mighty visions upon stone walls—clearer than a fjord at sunrise! 'Tis small, swift, and smoother than a mountain goat on skis. Go now, before the other trolls hoard them all like shiny pebbles!
Other do-gooder trolls like Skye the Legal Fang from the Democracy Forward Clan are sharpenin’ their claws and scrolls to drag Trumpthor’s crew into the Courts of Human Law.
But does the Death Declaration stop? Nay. No comment from the Goblin King’s scrollmasters. Just silence… the kind ye hear before a big avalanche of dung.
TROLLGUR’S FINAL GRUMBLE:
This whole thing smells worse than a frost giant’s armpit. Declaring the living as dead to make them leave? That’s not policy, that’s necromantic bureaucracy. Next, they’ll be telling trolls we’re unicorns just so we’ll leave the fjords.
So stay wary, me mossy readers. If a troll like me can be declared extinct, then no one’s safe from the bureaucratic bellyflop of the Two-Legged Folk.
Now go check your death status, and don’t trust anyone named Dudeknokk.
? End of Troll Transmission ?
?️ TROLL COMMENTS (add these as quotes or signs in the image!)
- “If I can’t see ‘em, they must be dead!” – Trumpthor, Supreme Moron of the Mountain
- “Our new policy: If you breathe, you leave!”
- “Death? Fake news. I checked Twitter, they were still alive!”
- “When in doubt, mark ’em out!”
- “Social Security? More like Social Spookurity! Bwahaha!”
- “Declared dead, but still payin’ rent? Ghost economy!”
- “This ain’t immigration reform – it’s necromancy with paperwork.”
- “Brains not included – but ego at maximum.”
- “Apply now to be declared deceased – limited time only!”
- “Even trolls know the dead don’t file taxes, Trumpthor!”
? TROLL-APPROVED ILLUSTRATION IDEA: “THE DEAD REGISTRY FESTIVAL”
?♂️ Title of the Illustration:
“Trumpthor’s Festival of the Living Dead (Immigration Edition)”
Speaking of immigration mishaps, you might be interested in checking out the peculiar history of Death Master File, a real-life database occasionally causing people alive to be declared prematurely deceased. Fascinated by mythological humor and satire? You might enjoy learning more about Yggdrasil, the legendary Norse tree referenced by Trollgur. If the mention of Valhall piqued your curiosity, explore the mythological afterlife of Norse legends known as Valhalla. Additionally, since politics and satire often go hand in hand, you might appreciate understanding more about political satire by exploring Political Satire as an art form.
