By Trendy-Toe, Fashion & Human Culture Reporter at AncientNews.com
Let me tell you something, dear trolls: humans are absolutely obsessed with clothing. And I don’t mean in a “throw some moss on and call it a day” kind of way. No, these creatures dedicate an alarming amount of time, energy, and—get this—gold to covering their fragile little bodies in what can only be described as highly impractical fabrics.
I recently embarked on an undercover mission into a human settlement (donning my finest suspicious trench coat) to study their bizarre clothing rituals. What I discovered will shock you.
1. Humans Change Clothes Daily (Sometimes Multiple Times!)
Unlike us, who proudly wear the same tunic for years until it disintegrates into a fine dust, humans actually switch their outfits every single day. Some even change their attire multiple times in a single rotation of the sun! Why? No one knows. I attempted to ask a human about it, but they just looked at me, muttered something about “hygiene” (whatever that is), and scurried away.
2. Their Clothes Have No Pockets
Trolls, we have it figured out: you need to carry something? Stuff it in your armpit. Need to store a few extra goat bones? Easy—just tie them in your beard. But humans? Oh no. They insist on wearing these “fashionable” garments with absolutely nowhere to store their essentials. This has led to the invention of tiny portable sacks they call “handbags.” They clutch them with a desperation that suggests if they were to let go, they would cease to exist.
3. They Suffer for Fashion
I witnessed humans wearing contraptions called “high heels,” which are essentially tiny stilts strapped to their feet. Imagine trying to chase a rogue chicken while walking on river stones—on purpose! And don’t get me started on their “skinny jeans,” which appear to be designed for creatures half their actual size. I saw one human take a full five minutes to peel them off, emerging victorious but visibly exhausted.
4. They Buy More Clothes Than They Can Wear
Perhaps the most shocking revelation of all: humans hoard clothing. I infiltrated one of their “shopping centers”—a terrifying labyrinth filled with racks upon racks of garments. The humans swarmed around like rabid bats, snatching items from shelves, trying them on, and then abandoning them in piles. A human woman picked up something called a “sweater,” sighed deeply, and said, “I just have nothing to wear.” She was surrounded by no fewer than twenty bags of newly purchased clothing.
5. They Actually Wash Their Clothes
Now, this is where I had to draw the line. Trolls believe in the sacred bond between fabric and filth. A well-worn tunic tells the story of its wearer—where they’ve been, what they’ve eaten, and how many fights they’ve won. But humans? They clean their clothes regularly, scrubbing away all signs of life and adventure. Then, they iron them, which I assume is some form of cruel punishment for the fabric.
Final Thoughts
Trolls, let us never fall victim to such absurdity. Our way of life—practical, pocketed, and proudly unwashed—is clearly superior. But I must admit, there is something oddly fascinating about humans and their dedication to dressing up like peacocks every morning.
Until next time, stay mossy and magnificent. And if you see Trollgur Drek, tell him I’m definitely not writing another human fashion article. (I totally am.)
Speaking of the intriguing human obsession with fashion, you might be interested in delving deeper into their peculiar habits. Perhaps start by checking out the intricacies of their garments like high heels, which seem to perplex our troll correspondent. Uncover the origins of these stylish yet impractical stilts for feet from this useful encyclopedia. Furthermore, learn more about their strange preference for tightly worn attire in the article about skinny jeans. You may also be quite amused about the intense relationship humans have with these small yet significant, often over-stuffed, handbags that they seem to hold onto for dear life. Lastly, the peculiar human practice of clothes cleaning and ironing could be more comprehensible after reading through laundry and ironing articles. Enjoy the journey into the quirky world of human fashion and remember, stay mossy and magnificent!
Did i not tell you to stop this human obsession? Write about something better.