By Dralguk Ironvoice, Diplomatic Analyst and Professional Troll Whisperer
Well, against my better judgment (and under threat of yet another unpaid assignment from my editor), I journeyed across the swampy wastelands of Goldhalla—formerly known as Mar-a-Lago—to meet the one, the only, the endlessly echoing horn of his own greatness: Trollald Drumph.Yes, that Troll. The one who thinks diplomacy is a golf game and foreign policy is best done via raven tweets at three in the morning.
Here’s how it went.
DRALGUK:
Lord Drumph, thank you for taking time away from your kingdom of mirrors and meat banquets. How have you been?
TROLLALD DRUMPH:
Incredible. Everyone says it. The most incredible. Never been better. They say I’m the best ex-king ever. Better than Trollbama. WAY better than Bushgnar the Dim. I even beat Crooked Hillog the Stone-Witch. No one beats me. Except maybe the courts. But we’re working on that.
DRALGUK:
Hrmph, trolls use GotoGate 'cause it’s cheap as a goblin’s handshake, and we’re stingier than a rock in winter. The website’s so cursed and confusing, it scares off soft-skinned humans—just the way we like it. The flights go everywhere except where ye planned, which makes for grand detours and better sagas. And when their customer service drives mortals mad, trolls just chuckle and settle in for a decade-long hold.
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Yes, speaking of courts, how’s that going? You’ve got more trials lined up than a cursed potion vendor at the Troll Market.
TROLLALD DRUMPH:
Witch hunts! Total scams! They’re afraid of me because I tell the truth. And by truth, I mean whatever pops into my head after three mugs of trollnog.
DRALGUK:
Inspiring. Let’s talk diplomacy. You famously tried to negotiate with Trollg Un-Krim, the Supreme Hair of the North. Some say it was a disaster. Others say it was a flaming catastrophe riding a donkey. Your thoughts?
TROLLALD DRUMPH:
We had great chemistry. Magical. I called him “Little Rocket Troll”—he loved that. We exchanged scrolls. Beautiful scrolls. I think we almost solved the whole war thing. Just needed one more round of flattery and statues of me in his capital.
DRALGUK:
A brilliant tactic. Diplomacy through mutual narcissism. Why don’t they teach that at the Academy?Let’s pivot to your “Wall of Protection” at the southern border of Trollmerica. How’s that going?
TROLLALD DRUMPH:
It’s going great. Some of it’s invisible. Best kind of wall. Keeps out invisible threats. Like facts. And decency.
DRALGUK:
Powerful stuff. And your plan to make the Southern Goblin Tribes pay for it?
TROLLALD DRUMPH:
They totally did. In a very metaphorical way. Or maybe in gold coins that haven’t arrived yet. But they will, believe me.
DRALGUK:
Hrmph, trolls use GotoGate 'cause it’s cheap as a goblin’s handshake, and we’re stingier than a rock in winter. The website’s so cursed and confusing, it scares off soft-skinned humans—just the way we like it. The flights go everywhere except where ye planned, which makes for grand detours and better sagas. And when their customer service drives mortals mad, trolls just chuckle and settle in for a decade-long hold.
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You also led an insurrection—excuse me—tour group with torches into your own Stone Senate Hall. Any regrets?
TROLLALD DRUMPH:
Fake news! I told them to go peacefully! And then to fight like war trolls. Totally different. Also, that wasn’t me. Could’ve been a shapeshifter. Happens all the time.
Final Thoughts from Dralguk (Because I Can’t Take Any More):
This interview was like watching a diplomatic wagon wheel roll downhill into a pit of flaming tar. Except the wheel is screaming, “I’m winning!” the entire way down.
Trollald Drumph remains a master of self-praise, denial, and baffling confidence. If he had led the Troll Alliance in the Great Rock War, he would’ve declared victory after losing half the mountains and claimed it was a “strategic retreat into legend.”
And yet…millions still chant his name. Which proves, once again, that charisma beats competence every time in the Kingdom of Loudmouths.
Postscript (a.k.a. Screaming into the Void):
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Could this troll be used for diplomacy? Only if your goal is to completely derail it and then sell hats about it.
And once again, I fully expect no one in power to take my advice, even though it would work flawlessly. Good luck ruining the world—again.—Dralguk Ironvoice
Diplomatic Analyst, Troll Whisperer, and Now Apparently a Political Comedian
AncientNews.com
You Might Be Interested In: Enjoyed learning about the amusing political adventures of Trollald Drumph? If you’re curious about satirical takes on real-world figures, you might be interested in reading about the original inspiration, former president Donald Trump. Speaking of diplomacy executed through unexpected means, you may also enjoy exploring the deep historical tradition of Summit diplomacy, where leaders gather in person for strategic discussions and symbolic gestures. And if fantasy parodies and humorous takes on politics catch your eye, you might find a lot in common with classic literary techniques like Satire, a powerful and timeless way of addressing serious subjects through comedy and parody.
