Deep in the mossy caves of Norway, where the Wi-Fi is non-existent, and the main form of communication is yelling across fjords, the trolls had an idea. A business idea. A revolutionary concept that would change the way trolls interacted forever.
It all started when Gnutgrut the Inventive (also known as Gnutgrut the Frequently Electrocuted) had a vision—what if trolls could talk to each other without having to throw boulders with messages carved into them? What if they could communicate instantly without needing to climb a mountain just to grunt at a distant relative? And thus, the RockPhone 3000 was born.
The ‘Genius’ Behind the RockPhone 3000
The RockPhone 3000 was exactly what it sounded like—a rock. But not just any rock. It was a special rock, hand-selected by Gnutgrut for its excellent acoustics and smoothness (so it wouldn’t scrape too much when pressed against a troll’s hairy ear). It didn’t have buttons, because trolls didn’t believe in those. Instead, it functioned on pure troll logic:
- To answer a call, you simply shouted at the rock.
- To dial a number, you threw the rock at someone who had their own RockPhone.
- To end a call, you hit yourself on the head with the rock (which trolls considered a very natural and effective way to conclude a conversation).
Troll investors from all over the fjords were thrilled. The Very Grumpy Troll Bank poured heaps of treasure into the project, believing it to be the future of troll communication. The first batch of RockPhones hit the market, and that’s when the trouble started.
Unexpected Problems (That Should Have Been Expected)
The trolls quickly discovered some minor flaws in the RockPhone 3000:
- The Throwing Problem – Since trolls had to throw their RockPhone to call someone, many customers lost their devices immediately upon first use. Some trolls threw their RockPhones into the sea, others accidentally hit moose (which led to an unrelated but violent troll vs. moose war).
- The Reception Problem – Trolls assumed that yelling at the rock would transmit their voice across vast distances. Unfortunately, it did not. Many trolls spent hours screaming at their RockPhones, leading to record levels of hoarseness and a booming market in troll throat lozenges.
- The ‘End Call’ Feature – It turns out that smashing oneself in the head with a rock over and over again is not conducive to good business. Early testers reported confusion, concussions, and a sudden inability to count past three.
- The Smart Rock Upgrade – Gnutgrut attempted to upgrade the device by painting runes on the RockPhone 3000, claiming it would make the rocks “smart.” Instead, this just made the rocks heavier and harder to carry. One unfortunate troll named Blorf accidentally dropped his Smart Rock on his foot and was never seen again (legend says he simply sank into the earth, never to return).
The Collapse of Troll Tech
Despite the obvious failures, Troll Tech doubled down. They released the RockPhone 3000 Pro, which was just a slightly bigger rock. Then the RockPhone 3000 Ultra, which was an even bigger rock with moss glued to it for “extra grip.” Trolls, being stubborn creatures, kept trying to use them, leading to an unprecedented increase in injuries, destroyed bridges, and confused human hikers who stumbled upon piles of discarded “phones” in the forests.
In the end, Troll Tech was forced to shut down. The company’s final attempt at success was a public demonstration where Gnutgrut tried to make a RockPhone call to a troll in a neighboring cave. Instead, he accidentally hit a passing dragon with the rock, leading to what historians now refer to as The Great Fjord Fire of Last Tuesday.
Gnutgrut is currently missing (possibly living under a different bridge), and the RockPhone 3000 has gone down in history as one of the worst troll business ideas ever—right up there with Fire-Proof Wooden Bridges and Invisible Goat Farming.
But fear not! Trolls are nothing if not persistent. Rumors suggest they are now working on the TrollNet, a revolutionary new way to communicate across fjords using only… singing moose. What could possibly go wrong?
Stay tuned.
Speaking of innovative communication technologies, you might be interested in how real-world devices evolved over time. Might we suggest the History of the Telephone article on Wikipedia? In relation to Gnutgrut’s unfortunate encounter with a dragon, the lore and depictions of these mythical creatures are definitely fascinating. Here’s a link to the Wikipedia page on Dragons. As for a glimpse into the unique culture of Norway, where our troll friends dwell, you might enjoy learning about it on this Culture of Norway page. Lastly, if the upheaval between the trolls and moose sparked your interest, here’s an article on the Moose. Enjoy these reads to complement the wild tale of the RockPhone failure!
