? AncientNews.com | Fashion & Human Culture
By Trendy-Toe, Trollheim’s Only Glitter Survivor
Brace yourselves, cave brethren and moss-biters. I have returned with yet another shriek from the smooth-faced abyss—and this one smells like lavender and capitalist despair.
Let’s talk about “cleansing balms.” Yes, apparently the humans now remove their face filth with—get this—oil. Not swamp oil, not good, honest troll grease. No. They’re using almond extracts, chamomile tears, and something called jojoba, which sounds like a failed goblin name.
In the land of Glow Cavern (that’s Los Angeles, for my stone-thick readers), the ritual goes like this: you scoop a nugget of “balm” (fancy fat), smear it across your painted mug, and then gently massage it in circles—because apparently, the pores have feelings. You then wipe it off with a “muslin cloth.” I had to look that up. It’s basically the skin of a linen fairy, woven by the souls of unpaid interns.
And all this? Just to wash your face.
“Double cleansing is the cornerstone of glowy skin,” says Glimmer Witch of the West, aka some influencer named Shleea Mae, who rubs butter on her face nightly and somehow has three million followers screeching for her serum secrets.
? The Products I Would Never, Ever Use (but definitely have in my cave):
- Glossier Balm Dotcom → GlowSlime Splotch Goo
- ELEMIS Pro-Collagen Cleansing Balm → Eel-Mist Wrinkle Shame Salve
- Farmacy Green Clean → WitchGreens Face Melt Paste
Prices range from 30 to 80 gold coins. For face goo. I once traded 80 coins for a used war hammer and three insults.
Enjoy Endless Adventure and Explore the World on a Royal Caribbean Cruise! Book Royal Caribbean Cruises Today, Only at CruiseDirect.com!
The Trolls of Norway use Cruisedirect.com ‘cause it’s the only place that lets a nine-ton beast book a balcony suite without bein’ judged for bringin’ a herd o’ goats. And best of all, no hiking—just endless buffets, sunburned tourists to grumble at, and a hot tub big enough for a troll’s behind!
But here’s the troll truth:
I tried it.
Look, don’t yell. I was investigating. It was for journalism. And after rubbing fermented flower slime on my snout and wiping it off with a very suspicious rag (okay, it was a shirt I borrowed from Drek), I felt… soft.
Like, “maybe I understand humans a little” soft.
Like, “maybe I should start exfoliating with volcanic sand and emotional closure” soft.
Of course, I immediately rolled in a mudslide and screamed at a fern. Balance must be restored.
Final Thoughts (That Will Definitely Get Me Banned from Troll Council):
- Cleansing balms are ridiculous.
- Humans are absurd.
- My cheek scales feel… supple?
- If anyone tells Trollgur Drek I said that, I will personally hex your boots to smell like citrus.
? Stay greasy, stay mean—but maybe… just maybe… try the balm.
Just once.
? Troll Comments on “Cleansing Balms and Other Sins”
? Gravelspit Gutrot
“Soft cheek scales?! You absolute traitor. Next you’ll be wearing lace undergarments and sipping daisy tea. Unfollowed. (Also what balm did you use asking for a cousin.)”
Sponsor:
? Rokka the Rug-Wearer
“I TRIED THIS BALM THING AND NOW MY WARTS ARE SHINING. My mate thinks I’m cheating with a human. Curse you, Trendy-Toe, and bless you a little too.”
? Snivvle, Son of Snargh
“This is witchcraft. Skin should be cracked and bleeding, not ‘dewy.’ What next? Troll perfume? Troll yoga? Troll… BATHS?”
? Mölda from Moss Heap
“Okay but like, what if we invented troll balms? Made from fermented mushroom oil and bog water? We could call it ‘Swamp Slather.’ You in?”
? Anonymous (but we know it’s Drek)
“This column is an embarrassment. There are real stories to cover—like the rising price of meat teeth. Also, you stole my shirt. Return it or I will file a hex claim.”
Want to help fund Trendy-Toe’s next betrayal of troll culture? Send mushroom coins or cursed pebbles to her cave address. Or just click this:
? Inspired by this article link: https://www.byrdie.com/best-cleansing-balms-4587536
crfeate a funny illustration
