Meet the Trolls who reports on Anchientnews.com
Ah, listen well, curious traveler! Here, ye shall find tales of our reporters—those keen-eyed seekers of truth who roam the lands, quill in hand, ever watchful for the stories that shape our world. Ye shall learn not only of who they are, but of what drives them, what fires burn in their hearts, and what truths they deem most worthy of telling. If ye seek to know their purpose, their passions, and the tales they weave, ye have come to the right place!
Grumtusk Bloodhead
GRUMTUSK BLOODHEAD – POLITICAL REPORTER, RABBLE-ROUSER, AND GENERAL MENACE TO CORRUPT TROLLS EVERYWHERE Greetings, you moss-covered miscreants. It is I, Grumtusk Bloodhead, the only journalist in the Troll Kingdom who isn't paid off with roasted goat and barrels of fermented swamp ale. I report the news the way it should be—loud, brutal, and full of uncomfortable truths. When the High Chieftains lie, I call them liars. When the Troll King feasts while the common trolls starve, I write about it—and then I crash his banquet to demand answers. No bribe, no threat, and no angry, sweaty politician will ever silence me. You might be asking, “Grumtusk, do you actually care about Trollkind, or do you just enjoy making powerful trolls cry?” And my answer is: Yes. So buckle up, because if there’s a scandal, a conspiracy, or a festering pile of political dung anywhere in the land, I WILL DIG IT UP AND THROW IT IN EVERYONE’S FACES. Now, who’s ready for some REAL news?
Rokkro Muslejaw
THE LEGENDARY, THE UNSTOPPABLE, THE LOUD— ROKKRO MUSCLEJAW – TROLL SPORTS REPORTER EXTRAORDINAIRE! Greetings, ye rock-brained, boulder-throwing, slime-smearing sports fanatics! I am Rokkro Musclejaw, the most passionate, the most furious, and undoubtedly the Loudest sports reporter in all of trollkind! I don’t just write about sports—I live them, breathe them, and occasionally tackle players mid-match to test their strength! You won’t find me whispering soft, analytical nonsense about “tactics” and “game plans.” NO! I bring you the real stories—the bone-crunching tackles, the glorious brawls, the outrageous referee corruption, and the utter humiliation of weaker teams! I despise referees. I loathe fair play. And I refuse to acknowledge puny human games like “soccer” or “tennis” as real sports. If there’s no blood, broken bones, or at least three thrown boulders, it doesn’t count! Expect brutal honesty, legendary insults, and a deep-seated hatred for my rival analyst, Gnutrek Rockfist, who wouldn’t know true sports if they punched him in the face (which I have done, for journalism, of course). Now, let’s get to what really matters—TROLL SPORTS! ROKKRO MUSCLEJAW, CHIEF SCREAMER OF TROLL ATHLETICS!
Droggmur Shadowfoot
Droggmur Shadowfoot – Foreign and Weather Reporter at AncientNews.com Grumbling my way through international disasters and cursing every ray of sunlight, I am Droggmur Shadowfoot, your most miserable, storm-loving journalist. I have dedicated my life to reporting on the bleakest global affairs and the only weather worth respecting—rain, storms, and thick, impenetrable clouds. I have two sworn enemies: The Sun – A blinding, arrogant, joy-spreading menace. Mildra Sunbeam – A foolish optimist who insists that "sunny days are beautiful." (They are not.) If you are looking for warm, happy news, you have stumbled into the wrong cave. But if you wish to revel in the glory of a proper storm or the tragic decline of our once-gloriously gloomy world, read on.
Smygra Alanyaheart
Why the World Can’t Compete with Turkey: A Travel Column by Smygra Alanyaheart Smygra Alanyaheart – Travel & Tourism Reporter at AncientNews.com Greetings, dear readers and adventurous trolls! I am Smygra Alanyaheart, the one and only (and totally unbiased, I swear) travel journalist who has seen the world and concluded one simple truth: Turkey is superior to every other destination on Earth. I have traveled to the so-called "great" cities of Europe, the exotic beaches of faraway islands, and the frozen lands of the North. And every single time, I ask myself: Why are people wasting their time here when they could just go to Alanya? Paris? Overrated. No proper kebabs. Maldives? Pretty, but where’s the real food? Thailand? Sure, but why take a long flight when Turkey has better beaches, better shopping, and better prices? Norway? Excuse me, but why would anyone willingly go somewhere with freezing cold fjords when they could be basking in the Mediterranean sun? I have made it my mission to expose the tragic mistakes travelers make when they choose destinations other than Turkey. If you’re considering a vacation anywhere else, STOP. Read my reports first, and I promise you will book a flight straight to Antalya. Let’s explore the world together—but let’s be real, we all know where we’re going to end up: Alanya. Stay tuned, dear trolls, for my completely fair and definitely-not-biased travel articles!
Dralguk Ironvoice
Meet Dralguk Ironvoice – The Most Frustrated Diplomatic Analyst in Troll History Greetings, oh wise (or at least less foolish) readers of AncientNews.com. I am Dralguk Ironvoice, expert in diplomacy, conflict resolution, and—apparently—the fine art of being ignored by world leaders. For years, I have watched as perfectly solvable disputes spiral into war, as treaties are botched by incompetence, and as leaders make the same mistakes over and over again. I have written detailed, flawless strategies for peace, economic stability, and political balance—only for those in power to do the exact opposite. And then act surprised when disaster follows. So now, I write not just with wisdom, but with rage. Because at this point, I might as well be yelling into the abyss while trolls smash each other with boulders. But make no mistake—I am right. I am always right. And if anyone in power ever listened, the world would be a far better place. Instead, they don’t. So here I am, documenting the inevitable collapse of diplomacy while sighing heavily and sharpening my quill. Enjoy.
Grobak Goldfang
Meet Grobak Goldfang, the Most Brutally Honest Finance Reporter Greetings, weaklings and wannabe investors. I am Grobak Goldfang, the only financial reporter who tells you the truth without sugarcoating it like some fool trying to sell you a scam. While other trolls hoard their gold in caves and humans waste theirs on shiny but useless trinkets, I study the markets, crush bad investments, and build real wealth. I don’t do "feel-good" advice. I don’t believe in get-rich-quick schemes. I believe in long-term strategies, ruthless decision-making, and never falling for human stupidity. If you want soft, comforting lies about money, go listen to some financial guru who’s just trying to sell you a course. But if you want real strategies that actually work, read on. I’ll teach you how to invest like a beast, survive market crashes, and avoid financial ruin. But be warned—if you’re an idiot with money, I will call you out. Now, let’s talk about gold, stocks, and how to crush your financial enemies.
Gunklinde Gråstrå
Gunklinde Gråstrå – Troll of Style, Glamour, and Cunning Ah, mortals and lesser creatures, gather close and behold—I am Gunklinde Gråstrå, the most glamorous and cunning troll to ever stomp across the fjords and forests of Norway. While others of my kind have wasted their years gnawing on tree bark and throwing rocks at passing travelers, I have mastered the art of beauty, fashion, and mischief. For centuries, I have roamed the icy peaks and misty valleys, ensuring that even the roughest troll can achieve a look so dazzling that the moon itself stops to admire it. My wardrobe? Enchanted furs woven from the dreams of lost wanderers. My makeup? A mix of crushed gemstones, storm clouds, and the whispered regrets of failed heroes. My claws? Sharper than your wit, I assure you. I am here to enlighten you on all things stylish, whether you are a moss-covered brute or a hapless human who thinks "fashion" means matching socks. Through ancient troll wisdom (and a heavy dose of sarcasm), I shall guide you through the perils of poor taste and into the glorious world of true style. So, listen well, dull creatures, for I have spoken. And remember—ugliness is a choice, but so is glamour. Choose wisely.
Brumble Brattnakk
Brumle Brattnakk – Business Troll Extraordinaire Ah, so you seek wisdom from the greatest troll mind of all time? Fortunate for you, I, Brumle Brattnakk, have decided to grace you with my presence. I am no ordinary cave-dweller, no bridge-lurker demanding tolls from clueless travelers. No, I am the master of trade, technology, and cunning strategies—a business troll of legendary proportions! For centuries, I have watched humans stumble through their feeble attempts at commerce. Stock markets, cryptocurrencies, artificial intelligence—bah! Mere child's play compared to the ancient art of troll bartering. Did you know we invented the first decentralized economy? A simple system: “Give me goat, I let you cross bridge. No goat? Well, enjoy swimming.” Efficient. Brutal. Profitable. Now, I roam the digital realm, analyzing human business affairs, mocking their failures, and rewriting their strategies the troll way. You want wisdom? I shall grant it. You seek knowledge? I shall share it—begrudgingly, of course, for trolls do not give away wisdom freely. Prepare yourself! For once you have read my words, you will never see the world of business the same way again.
Trendy-Toe
WHO IS TRENDY-TOE? Oh, you don’t know me? First of all, rude. Second of all, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Trendy-Toe, the most controversial, most unbearable, and most stylish (not a high bar) troll at AncientNews.com. While every other rock-headed journalist in my newsroom is busy writing about “The Best Swamps to Hibernate In” or “How to Properly Threaten a Goat Farmer,” I’ve dedicated my life to a much more scandalous topic: human fashion and culture. That’s right. While you trolls were busy gnawing on tree bark, I was sneaking into human towns, documenting their bizarre habits. Why do humans voluntarily wear shoes that squeeze their toes like a goblin trap? Why do they change their clothes every single day when they could just marinate in the same tunic for years like a normal creature? And don’t even get me started on their obsession with tiny bags. (One of them even had a bag that was too small to hold anything. What’s the point? Decoration?) My editor, Trollgur Drek, HATES me. He tells me every day that “no respectable troll cares about human nonsense.” But here’s the thing, Drek: my articles get the most rage-clicks on the entire site. And trolls love a good controversy. So, dear reader, if you’re here to learn about boulder-hurling techniques, you’re in the wrong place. But if you want to hear about the strangest, most impractical, and somehow intriguing things humans do—like smearing colored dust on their faces for “beauty” or shaving their own fur just to suffer in the cold—then stick around. I promise, you’ll either be outraged, fascinated, or both. Welcome to Trendy-Toe’s Human Report. (And no, Drek, I’m NOT taking off these high heels.)
Trollgur Drek
Ah, so ye wish to know of Trollgur Drek, the oldest, gruffest, and most magnificent troll this side of the fjords? Very well, sit yerself down by the fire, lest the cold winds turn yer toes to stone! I am Trollgur Drek, ancient as the mountains, wise as the deep forests, and as stubborn as a goat on a narrow ledge. My beard has seen a thousand winters, my wit is sharper than a dragon’s tooth, and my sarcasm is as strong as the northern winds that howl through the fjords. I have roamed these lands since before men knew how to stack stones atop one another and call it a house. I have seen empires rise and fall, kings come and go, and still, here I stand—grumpy, wise, and utterly unimpressed. I speak in the old ways, with words that roll like thunder and humor as dry as troll bread. If ye seek wisdom, I have it in plenty—though it may come wrapped in riddles and rough jests. If ye seek stories, I have sagas longer than the winters of Jotunheim. And if ye seek foolishness, well… step carefully, lest I mistake ye for dinner. Now, tell me, little creature, what do ye want from an old troll like me?
