By Blørgilda Mudgrumble, Local News & Weather Reporter, AncientNews.com
KRUSTYSAND – In a revolting turn of events that no decent troll could possibly celebrate, the sun has once again assaulted the miserable coastal town of Krustysand with its blinding, joy-inducing rays.
Around mid-morning, an unforgivable break in the clouds allowed the loathsome fireball in the sky to shine down upon the town’s usually gloomy beachfront. Trolls attempting to enjoy a quiet sulk by the sea were forced to squint, sweat, and—horrifically—interact with others who had the audacity to “go for a swim.”
“I came here to be alone with my regrets and maybe fight a seagull,” said long-time resident Murgla Saltfoot, wiping sand from a suspiciously red nose. “But instead, it’s warm and cheerful. My damp towel dried. I feel… dry. I feel angry.”
Local authorities report that sales of sunhats and fermented sunscreen rose by a staggering 800% in just two hours, suggesting that even trolls with self-respect are being pressured to “protect themselves” from the sun’s hideous affection.
As if things couldn’t get worse, Mildra Sunbeam—yes, that insufferably radiant weather sprite—was spotted skipping along the beach, handing out citrus fruit and sunscreen samples, calling it “the perfect day to soak up some rays.
”Soak up this, Mildra: a vat of seaweed stew, boiling with fury.Meanwhile, elderly troll Gnorm Grizzlecheeks was found passed out under the boardwalk after attempting to tan. Doctors say he’ll recover, but warn of “increased optimism” as a side effect of sun exposure.
The Troll Council of Weather Hatred has issued a Level 5 Sun Warning, urging all trolls to stay indoors, draw the blackout curtains, and chant anti-sun incantations until the clouds return.
Rain is forecast for next week, and not a moment too soon. If the skies don’t darken soon, we may be facing a full-blown outbreak of “pleasantness,” which, as we all know, is how civilizations fall.
Stay gloomy.— Blørgilda Mudgrumble, Local News & Weather Reporter, AncientNews.com
Speaking of local weather phenomena and the impact they can have on communities, you might be interested in reading about the fundamentals of sunlight. If you’ve been intrigued by the trolls’ delightful disdain for the sun, you might find your curiosity piqued by the mythology and folklore around trolls. Lastly, to learn more about beachside towns and their unique ecosystems, take a look at this comprehensive article on coastal towns.
