By Rockwart Stonetooth, Chief Grumble-Scribe
Hold onto yer mossy hats, folks! Things are heating up faster than a goblin stewpot in the mighty human lands o’ Fronska (France). In the fancy marble city of Baguetteville (Paris), a band of angry mystery-trolls—calling themselves the Defenders of Troll Prisoners (or “Dum Dums Playing with Fire” if ye ask me)—launched a wild attack on not one, not two, but nine big stone troll-huts (prisons).
These ain’t yer average pranksters throwin’ pebbles. Nay! They came stormin’ in with enchanted fire-sticks (Kalashnikovs) and tossed boomberries (explosives) like it was Trollmas Eve. In Snailtown (Marseille), Cheeseberg (Aix-en-Provence), and Winebarrel (Nanterre), the sky lit up with flames and foolery.
In Toasty-Troll-Town (Toulon-La Farlède), the mischief was especially spicy. They burnt 21 wagons (cars and vans), poked holes in the prison gates with magic bolts, and likely shouted something like “FREE THE NASTY ONES!” (but with more dramatic flair).
Now, the High Human Troll-Wrangler, Geraldo the Mustachioed (Justice Minister Gérald Darmanin), is growlin’ and stompin’ around. He says he’ll build “super-prison caves” to keep the worst trolls locked so deep, even mountain moles won’t find ‘em. The rebels don’t like that one bit.
Nobody knows for sure who’s behind the chaos—could be anarcho-trolls, could be just some goblins with too much time and torch oil. But what we do know is this: when trolls get restless, the rocks start rollin’.
Stay tuned, stinky readers. And remember—if ye see a flaming cheese wheel rollin’ down yer village hill, maybe it’s time to invest in a moat.
End of Grumble.
? Troll Times Tribune – “More News, Less Nonsense (well… sort of).” ?
Want the “human-style” boring version too? Or shall I keep it spicy and mossy?
? Troll Comment Section ?
Straight from the enchanted stone tablets of readers:
?️ Stumpgut the Half-Brained:
“Why they attackin’ the stone huts? That’s where my cousin lives now after he mistook a knight for a deer. Misses home-cooked rocks!”
?️ Gribble Wartsnout:
“Flaming snails? Again? Can’t we just protest with moldy cabbages like the old days?”
?️ Auntie Slaggathor:
“I told ’em. If ye put trolls in huts without mushroom windows, they’ll snap! Add curtains next time!”
?️ Snorgle the Suspicious:
“Bet this was all planned by the elves. They hate cheese. Always have.”
Want me to scribble more troll graffiti on the wall o’ foolishness?
When a troll like me fancies a stroll ‘cross the Alps or a sunbath on a dragon’s spine in Tenerife, we don’t flap our wings—we use Expedia's Package deals = super summer savings. One click, and boom! Cave to castle, fjord to forest, all without losin’ a single goat. Much better than ridin’ storm clouds or hitchin’ rides on confused griffins, I’ll tell ye that.
French version:
? FEU, FROMAGE ET FOUTOIR À BAGUETTVILLE (Paris) ?
Par Roquefort Salsiflard, Troll-en-chef de la plume moisie
Oyez oyez, trolls de la mousse et des montagnes ! Gros boum dans la terre des Fromagés (France) ! Dans la grande ville de Baguetteville (Paris), des trolls furax, appelés les Défenseurs des Trolls Emprisonnés (ou bien Dingos Dégoulinants Pleins de Flammes), ont attaqué 9 prisons de pierres (eh oui, neuf ! plus que j’ai de orteils !).
Ils sont arrivés comme des sangliers sous café : avec bâtons crache-feu (Kalashnikovs) et fromages explosifs (oui oui, le camembert qui pique). Ils ont foutu le feu à 21 chariots (voitures pour les trolls riches), et fait des trous dans les portes du hut géant à Toasty-Troll-Town (Toulon-La Farlède).
D’autres villes touchées ? Bah oui : Escargoville (Marseille), Fromagelieu (Aix-en-Provence), et Tonnetonne (Nanterre). Même les escargots ont fui avec leurs valises !
Le Grand Troll-Maire Gérald le Moustachu (Gérald Darmanin, pour les humains) a crié depuis sa tour :
“ON NE CÈDE PAS À LA FROUMOISERIE !”
(Il criait fort, mais son micro était cassé, donc ça sonnait un peu comme un pet de marmotte.)
Il veut mettre les trolls dangereux dans des grottes très profondes, sans lumière, sans fromage, sans Wi-Fi. Les trolleux pas contents, eux, disent “NON ! On veut du soleil et du camembert !”
? Commentaires de Trolls ?
? Gronchon de Beurloche :
“C’est toujours la même chose : on enferme les trolls, mais on laisse les elfes voler nos champignons tranquilles !”
? Mémé Croûte :
“J’ai vu un troll sur un escargot en feu. Mon neveu. J’suis fière.”
? Chplork Le Siffleur :
“Ils devraient enfermer ceux qui mettent de la salade dans les sandwichs. Voilà les vrais criminels.”
Speaking of Paris, you might also be curious about the city’s real-life charm with iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower or its deliciously famous baguettes that gave Baguetteville its whimsical nickname. If you’ve found trolls fascinating here, you may want to dive deeper into traditional folklore with the fascinating history of Trolls or discover how Goblins have mischievously swept through various mythologies over the centuries. And if the reference to enchanted fire sticks intrigued you, maybe learning about the reality behind the legendary Kalashnikov rifle (AK-47) might pique your interest as well.
