”Deep in the damp, goat-scented heart of Norway, the TrollOil AS Board of Grumpy Directors has made a historic decision: The USA will no longer receive a single drop of troll oil.
The reason?
“Too much orange. Too much yelling. Too many words that don’t make sense.
”At a press conference held inside a hollowed-out log, Gløgg Stinketå, CEO of TrollOil, stood up, cleared his throat with a sound like a boulder being dragged over gravel, and declared:
“We trolls deal in nonsense. But even we have our limits.
”Trolls vs. The Orange Human
The decision came after a particularly wild speech from the former leader of the human colony known as the United States, in which he allegedly called Norway “a total disaster, folks, a complete disaster. Just terrible. Nobody likes Norway. Sad!
”At this, the assembled trolls gasped. Some fainted into nearby mud puddles. Others immediately started sharpening their boulders.
“How dare he?!” thundered Blurrg Grøtbeist, head of Public Relations and Competitive Goat Throwing. “We are an extremely likable species! Just last week, a fisherman barely ran away screaming!
”But what really pushed TrollOil over the edge was the orange human’s next claim:
“We don’t need troll oil, folks. We’ve got the best oil. The biggest oil. Oil like you’ve never seen before. Some people—some very smart people—say our oil is even better than troll oil! Can you believe it?
”This statement caused massive outrage in troll society, where Troll
Oil is not only a fuel source but also a fine cologne, a cooking ingredient, and, in emergencies, a substitute for dental care.
“This is an insult to our entire way of life!” bellowed Gløgg Stinketå, kicking over a barrel of premium Deep Swamp Blend. “If he thinks his human oil is so great, then let’s see him survive a Norwegian winter without our patented sludge!
America Responds
Naturally, the USA did not take this decision well. The response from the orange human was swift and exactly what you’d expect.At a rally in front of thousands of confused people in red hats, he ranted:
“Folks, this is the worst deal in history. Just horrible. Norway? Who even likes Norway? It’s cold, okay? Just a bunch of forests and, like, weird-looking guys under bridges. Very ugly. No one talks about it! But they love me over there, folks. The trolls? They love me. Some of them, they’re saying, ‘Sir, you’re the best troll we’ve ever seen.’ And I say, ‘That’s true.
’”He continued:
“But now they’re saying no oil? No oil for the USA? Excuse me? That’s illegal. I make the best deals, folks, the biggest deals, and let me tell you, I was about to make a huge deal with the trolls. But then they got mean. Very mean. So now? We don’t even want their oil! Never heard of it! It’s swamp oil! Disgusting! We’ve got better oil, folks, trust me.
”At this point, one of his advisors whispered something in his ear. His expression changed.
“Wait—you’re telling me Norway’s in Europe? Since when?!
The Troll Compromise
With tensions rising and Americans panicking about where they’ll get their extra-thick, tar-like, troll-infused diesel, TrollOil has offered a single way forward:
1. The orange human must apologize.
2. The apology must be handwritten on a goat’s skull.
3. He must personally deliver the skull to a troll grandmother under a bridge, where he will spend one full night listening to her tell stories about the Good Old Days (before humans existed).
A response is pending, but in an unexpected twist, world leaders everywhere have begun preemptively stockpiling troll oil, worried that TrollOil might start banning more countries for excessive stupidity.
Meanwhile, TrollOil has updated its slogan to reflect its new political stance:
“TrollOil—For Those Who Can Handle Basic Geography.”
Sales have never been higher.
Speaking of Norway’s rich oil industry, you might be interested in diving deeper into it by visiting this Wikipedia article on the Petroleum Industry in Norway. If you’re intrigued by the alleged ‘Orange Human’ mentioned, you could learn more about the United States’ leadership history on this List of Presidents of the United States page. And if you’ve found yourself amused by the unique TrollOil AS and its blend of humor and politics, you might appreciate the mythical origins of trolls in folklore on the Wikipedia page about Trolls. Lastly, for a better context of the world’s dependency on oil, explore the Wikipedia page for Oil Consumption.
