April 11, 2025 | Carved into the Cavern Walls by Grumbla Riffstone – Netflix
An Old Troll Watches, Groans, and Grudgingly Takes Notes
By Grumbla Riffstone, Entertainment Critic and Reluctant Streamer
Deep beneath the cursed waterfalls of Fjellgurgle, I, Grumbla Riffstone, ancient troll and survivor of eight cinematic renaissances (and one unfortunate Twilight phase), have dragged myself out of my moss-lined theater cave to observe the strange rituals of human binge-watching. Behold, the ten series currently perched atop Netflix like goblins on a rotten log—and my fossil-flecked opinions of each:
1. Adolescence
“Moody Teen Drama with One-Take Gimmick”
A boy stabs a man. His family breaks apart like poorly kiln-fired pottery. Four episodes, all shot in one take, as if the camera operator were cursed to never blink. Surprisingly emotional. I almost shed a tear, but it turned into steam and scared my pet bat.
? Troll Verdict: 4 Moss-Covered Groans – Emotional. Painfully human. Minimal smooching. Respectable.
2. Pulse
“Medical Drama in a Hurricane, Because Why Not”
Dr. Dani Simms races against time, power outages, and soggy hallways. Think Grey’s Anatomy but wetter and with actual tension. Human incompetence on full display—delicious!
? Troll Verdict: 3 Human Tears – Too many feelings. Not enough collapsing ceilings.
3. Devil May Cry
“Demon Hunting for Edgy Teens and Ancient Trolls Alike”
Blades, blood, and brooding! Anime Dante slashes through demons like I slash through arguments with dwarves. Finally, something loud enough to drown out your species’ whining.
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? Troll Verdict: 5 Stones of Respect – Metal. Violent. Glorious. I watched twice, accidentally chewed my own rock seat.
4. Bad Influence: The Dark Side of Kids’ YouTube
“Let’s Ruin Childhood Icons for Fun!”
A documentary that reveals the pixelated horror-show behind seemingly harmless content. Toddlers in algorithm hell. I cackled through the whole thing.
? Troll Verdict: 4 Groans – Humans raised by screens now shocked they turned out weird? Color me unsurprised.
5. The Gentlemen
“British Crime, But Make It Eccentric”
Guns, posh accents, and an aristocrat selling weed. Feels like Sherlock Holmes drank four Red Bulls and joined the mob. Stylish but smug, like an elf with a monocle.
? Troll Verdict: 3.5 Human Tears – Had flair, but too clean. I prefer my crime with more mud and screaming.
6. The Signal
“Sci-Fi Mystery That’s Definitely Not Just ‘Lost’ in German”
A spaceship disappears. A widow investigates. Aliens? Government secrets? Everyone’s whispering. I had to replay episodes because the plot twisted more than a kraken’s intestines.
? Troll Verdict: 4 Groans – Confusing but intriguing. Like waking up in a dwarf prison with no pants.
7. 3 Body Problem
“Aliens, Physics, and Existential Dread”
Based on the human book you all keep calling “unfilmable,” this sci-fi saga is bleak, cerebral, and makes you question existence. I watched while chewing on uranium ore.
? Troll Verdict: 5 Stones of Respect – Finally, something with actual stakes. I smelled the apocalypse and grinned.
8. Fool Me Once
“The Plot Twists So Hard It Breaks a Hip”
A woman thinks her dead husband is alive. Cue the melodrama, surveillance cameras, and conveniently timed reveals. Humans do love their “is he dead?” nonsense.
? Troll Verdict: 2 Cracks in My Patience – I’ve seen cave moss with more suspense.
9. The Gentleman Thief
“Lupin… Again!”
He’s back. He steals. He wears disguises. He runs from the police. It’s Lupin, Season 3 or 4—I’ve lost count. Still charming, like a raccoon in a tuxedo.
? Troll Verdict: 3 Human Tears – Predictable, but shiny. Like a goblin magic trick.
10. You
“Creepy Man Narrates Himself Into Your Nightmares”
Joe Goldberg continues his serial-stalking spree. Still monologuing. Still insufferable. Yet humans watch like it’s a romance. Truly, your mating instincts are broken.
? Troll Verdict: 2.5 Cracks – I kept watching, but only to scream at the screen. Cathartic.
Final Thoughts from the Troll Cave:
Your streaming tastes are odd and your attention spans fragile. Yet every now and then, a tale or a scream echoes with something ancient—something real. For that, I commend you. Grudgingly.
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Until the next episode disappoints,
— Grumbla Riffstone ?
? Subscribe to The Troll Tribune by shouting into a cave at midnight. No refunds.
? Troll Comments from the Cave:
“This popcorn’s been stale since the last elven uprising… perfect.”
“Why does this Netflix keep asking if I’m still watching? Yes, I’m still trapped in this emotional cliffhanger purgatory!”
“That glowing logo again… it’s like staring into the sun after a hundred years underground.”
“If that wizard rat behind the stalagmite spoils another episode, I’m cursing his wand.”
“5 Stones of Respect? That’s rarer than a dwarf paying back gold.”
“This cave’s cozier than most human ‘minimalist’ apartments—and it doesn’t smell like desperation.”
Speaking of trolls sharing their candid streaming reviews, you might also be interested in exploring real mythological roots by checking out the fascinating history and folklore behind trolls over on Wikipedia. If the gripping sci-fi mysteries mentioned by our grumbling troll critic caught your attention, take a moment to delve into the intriguing plot twists and fan theories surrounding Lost (TV series). On the topic of existential dread and intriguing alien narratives, you might enjoy discovering more about the internationally acclaimed work The Three-Body Problem, a groundbreaking science fiction novel that’s inspired ongoing adaptations and discussions even today.
