By Smygra Alanyaheart – Certified Global Trollavel Expert, accidental megaphone magnet
Welcome to Mallorca! Please Go Home.
Ah, Mallorca. The Mediterranean jewel where turquoise waves kiss golden sand, lemons grow in slow motion, and charming stone villages whisper ancient secrets… until a troll with a megaphone tells you to “go back to your resort and stop ruining everything.”
Yes, dear readers, it seems the sunshine isn’t the only thing sizzling in Mallorca this season. The locals—disguised as fiercely opinionated trolls—have officially had it with us tourists. And honestly? I can’t entirely blame them. But naturally, I still went.
The Island That Has It All (and Would Like Less of It, Please)
Mallorca is like that one cousin who’s both beautiful and wildly successful, and now suddenly allergic to people. There’s something for everyone here:
?️ Beaches? Dramatic. Caló des Moro looks like a filtered dream, except it’s real and currently crammed with 200 sunburned elbows.
? Wine? Excellent. Especially when sipped in a hilltop village like Deià, where the grapes are organic and the Wi-Fi is suspiciously judgmental.
? Adventure? Cyclists worship the Tramuntana mountains like sweaty monks. Bring thighs of steel or prepare to cry on a rental bike.
But beneath the postcard perfection, a slow-burning anti-tourist wave is rising—complete with graffiti, protests, and grumpy troll council meetings.
I Stayed in Palma with a Grumpy Troll Named Fjøllrik
Fjøllrik runs a guesthouse in Palma’s Old Town and claims he only hosts tourists “to pay for his therapy.” He served me coffee with a lecture about over-tourism, handed me a flyer that read “Mallorca is not a theme park,” and then offered me homemade fig cake because “he’s not a monster.”
Palma, by the way, is stunning. Gothic cathedrals, Arab baths, secret courtyards. But try not to look too excited about anything—locals like Snarka (Fjøllrik’s neighbor and full-time towel protester) are watching. She told me that “tourists walk too slow” and that “flip-flops should be banned after 1999.”
Hidden Gems (That You’re Probably Not Allowed to Know About)
Because I have the subtle charm of a nosy bat, I discovered a few places that haven’t been Instagrammed to death:
? Cala Tuent – A remote beach on the northwest coast. Requires a winding drive, a silent promise to the sea gods, and the ability to look unimpressed when you arrive.
? Binissalem wine region – Delicious local wines. I met a troll vintner named Tofselia who yelled at her grapes to “ripen like they mean it.” Iconic.
? Valldemossa before 9 AM – If you go early enough, it’s peaceful and troll-free. Just cobblestones, mountain air, and the sound of Chopin’s ghost rolling his eyes.
Tourist Troubles: Real Talk
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Let’s address the paella in the room: the island is overwhelmed. Airbnb has devoured the long-term housing. Cruises spill out thousands of sandal-wearing snack monsters daily. And local trolls, who once politely grumbled, are now shouting through protest signs like:
- “Més turisme = menys vida” (“More tourism = less life”)
- “Tourists go home (but leave your money)”
- “This isn’t Magaluf, Karen”
Municipal trolls are even debating tourist caps, new taxes, and strict Airbnb rules. Honestly, it’s the beginning of the Great Troll Rebellion.
The Turkey Comparison™
Experience Mallorca Alanya Beaches Gorgeous but crowded Gorgeous and I can still breathe Food Tapas galore Turkish breakfast: undefeated Locals Fiery, fed-up trolls Warm, winking, and always offering tea Prices €€€€ Let’s just say I can still afford dessert Accommodation Booked solid Boutique bliss on a budget
Conclusion? If you want mountains, markets, and medieval towns with a side of protest graffiti—Mallorca delivers. But if you’d rather enjoy your sangria without getting side-eyed by a troll named Gumpur… you know where to find me. ?
Ready to book? Just remember: respect the island, don’t touch the figs without asking, and for the love of the Mediterranean—leave no towel behind.
Smygra’s Totally Biased, Mostly Unhelpful Rating of: MALLORCA
(Where beauty slaps you in the face and trolls might too)
? Natural Beauty: ★★★★★
Honestly? It’s illegal to be this pretty. From jagged cliffs to secret coves and pine-scented hills, Mallorca looks like it was Photoshopped by Mother Nature during a midlife crisis. Perfection.
? Food & Wine: ★★★★☆
Tapas that twirl on your tongue. Wine that could make a goat romantic. But beware the “tourist paella” – a yellow crime served cold with frozen peas and regret.
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?️ Villages & Culture: ★★★★★
Deià, Sóller, Valldemossa… charming enough to make a troll poet cry. But tread lightly—every cobblestone has heard a tourist say “so quaint!” one too many times.
? Locals (Troll edition): ★★☆☆☆
Passionate, proud, and one protest sign away from biting. They used to be “Mallorcan proud.” Now they’re “Mallorcan tired.” Be respectful or be roasted.
? Tourist Density: ????? (in flames)
If you drop your beach towel in July, it hits six sunburnt elbows before hitting sand. Best visited in spring or fall, when the trolls are still sleepy and the hikers still smell okay.
? Affordability: ★★☆☆☆
You can technically survive on a budget here, but only if you’re living off gas station empanadas and bottled air. Prices have inflated faster than Fjøllrik’s ego after going viral on TrollTok.
? Troll Drama Factor: ★★★★★
Between protests, anti-Airbnb graffiti, and underground fig smugglers (don’t ask), Mallorca is giving telenovela energy this year. Come for the views, stay for the petty politics.
Overall Rating: 4.2 out of 5 Flaming Tapas ?️?️?️?️✨
A truly magical island. Just don’t act like it belongs to you, or you’ll be personally escorted off the cliffs by a troll with a snorkel and a socialist manifesto.
? Fjøllrik the Lifeguard (yelling through megaphone):
“Attention tourists: This is not your backyard. Please relocate your inflatable unicorn.”
? Snarka, holding a protest sign:
“I used to love this beach. Now it smells like SPF 100 and regret.”
? Tofsa the Vendor:
“Five euros for coconut water. Ten if you ask where it’s from.”
? Little Gumpur, buried in the sand:
“Help. I dropped my towel and now I live here.”
? Tourist Troll with a selfie stick:
“Tag me in your protest! This is sooo authentic.”
