“More twisted than a troll’s back hair braid on solstice morning.”
By Grumthar Boulderquill, Gossip Tyrant of Anchientnews.com
Oh sweet swamp-bottoms of bureaucratic blunder, have the flatpack fanatics lost the last splinters of their sanity?
In the otherwise sleepy bogtown of Vestby (known to trolls as “Flatpack Fjord”), an epic clash is unfolding—one that pits the mighty furniture warlords of I-K-Aye-Ay against the pitchfork-wielding guardians of sacred soil.
The Crime?
Attempting to erect yet another shrine of endless hallways, meatball madness, and confusing cupboard instructions… right smack dab in the middle of fertile farmland! That’s right, folks—the humans want to pave paradise and put up a shelf warehouse.
The Victims?
Local farmers, whose lands have yielded turnips larger than halfling heads for generations, are now being told their fields are “strategically ideal for commerce.” Which, translated from corporate-speak, means “We need somewhere to dump 3,000 ‘Björkdräng’ coffee tables before winter.”
One incensed dirt-mage (or “agriculturalist” in human tongue) shouted,
“This is sacred sod! My goats won’t graze next to fluorescent blue buildings and lost tourists!”
Sponsor:
And yet, the I-K-Aye-Ay overlords remain undeterred. They’ve sent forth their emissaries—smooth-faced negotiators wielding binders and budgets—to “find a compromise.” (Which usually means “accept the inevitable, and we’ll name a storage bin after your village.”)
The Confusion Continues:
The humans can’t even agree on where to drop this monstrosity. One councilor reportedly suggested putting it on top of the current Vestby train station, prompting audible gasps and at least one fainting squirrel.
Grumthar’s Take?
This whole debacle is more backward than a mountain goat in ballroom slippers. If you can’t find a way to store your self-assembly despair without demolishing a potato field, maybe you shouldn’t be selling haunted coat racks in the first place.
TROLLISH RATING: 4 Boils of Interest
“Good. Disturbing. Possibly edible.”
We’ll be watching closely. With snacks. Possibly meatballs. Possibly protest flags. Possibly both.
Stay tuned for updates, cave-dwellers. This one’s bound to collapse under the weight of its own flatpack foolishness.
? TROLL COMMENT THREAD – VESTBY VENTURES EDITION ?
@GoatWhisperer99:
“This is why you don’t trust blue-and-yellow empires. First it’s shelving units, then it’s world domination via affordable lamp design.”
@TurnipTitan:
“My field grew ancient runeroots for six generations. Now it grows lost Swedes looking for the exit.”
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@MossBoss:
“IKEA labyrinths are a test from the gods. If you make it out alive with your receipt, you gain enlightenment.”
@ShelfOrShame:
“Can’t wait for the first harvest of Allen keys and missing screws.”
@WartySue:
“My goat tried to return itself to the returns desk. They offered her a meatball and a store credit.”
@FlatpackFury:
“I got trapped in aisle 47 and had to eat a throw pillow to survive. DO NOT RECOMMEND.”
@Grumthar4Overlord (yes, it’s me):
“Honestly, I came for the chaos but stayed for the goat protest signs. 5 Screeches of Glory. Would loot again.”
