Deep in the fjords and forests of Norway, far from the prying eyes of humans, trolls engage in their own brand of athletic competition—if you can even call it that. Troll sports are not like human sports, which involve rules, logic, and the avoidance of grievous bodily harm.
No, troll sports operate on a completely different philosophy: the more chaotic, the better.
A Brief Introduction to Troll AthleticsTo understand troll sports, you must first understand trolls. They love destruction, they argue about everything, and they have a deep-seated belief that rules should be vague, contradictory, or subject to immediate change if it benefits the loudest troll. However, once a winner is declared, all arguments immediately cease, and every troll accepts the outcome as if it were the will of the ancient mountains themselves.
Here are just a few of the “sports” that trolls participate in:
1. Boulder Hurling
A simple sport at first glance—pick up the biggest boulder you can find and throw it as far as possible. But here’s where the troll rules kick in:
The definition of “biggest” is debated endlessly. Some trolls argue weight matters most, others say width, and one particularly stubborn troll insists that only boulders shaped like goats should count.
Distance is also a point of contention. Some trolls say the throw must be measured in a straight line, others claim the distance should be based on how many trees were knocked down on impact.
Once a troll actually wins, every other troll nods in complete agreement as if the results had been obvious all along.
2. Competitive Bridge Sitting
This sport requires incredible patience and sheer stubbornness. Trolls compete to see who can sit on a bridge the longest while yelling at passersby.
Points are awarded based on how many travelers they scare away.
Bonus points are given for creative insults, such as calling someone a “two-legged goat with no horns” or “a rock-faced squirrel without a tail.
“The game ends only when one troll gets hungry enough to leave, at which point the remaining troll is instantly declared the champion. Arguments about fairness immediately vanish.
3. Tree Wrestling
Trolls pick the biggest tree they can find and attempt to wrestle it to the ground. Simple, right? Wrong.
Some trolls insist only trees that fight back (i.e., bend in the wind) should count.
Others argue that pushing a tree over isn’t real wrestling unless the tree also gets a chance to throw the troll.
If two trolls tie, the argument continues for hours until one gets bored and smashes something unrelated. At this point, the other is instantly declared the winner.
4. Goat Lifting
Trolls love goats. They also love picking up heavy things. Naturally, this led to the sport of goat lifting.
Some trolls claim that lifting a goat is only impressive if the goat remains completely calm.
Others argue that the real challenge is lifting a goat that actively wants to escape.
No one can agree on whether throwing the goat afterward is part of the event or an automatic disqualification.
Regardless of how it happens, the troll who lifts the goat highest is declared the winner, and all disagreements magically disappear.
5. Fjord Leaping
Possibly the most dangerous and absurd sport in the troll world, fjord leaping involves launching oneself off a cliff in an attempt to clear the entire fjord.
The distance of the leap is secondary to how spectacular the splash is when the troll inevitably fails.
If a troll lands on a boat, they automatically win—unless the boat is carrying fish, in which case they are disqualified for “stealing another troll’s dinner.
“Once a winner is declared, all other trolls clap approvingly, as if they hadn’t spent the last three hours screaming about whether a sideways belly flop counts as an “official landing.”
The One Rule That Trolls Always Follow
Despite the endless arguing, the constant rule changes, and the sheer absurdity of troll sports, there is one universal law: the winner is the winner, and that’s that.
The moment a champion is announced, all arguments stop. No appeals. No complaints. The trolls simply accept the outcome as absolute truth.
Why? No one knows. Perhaps it’s a deep-seated respect for tradition, or perhaps trolls just have short attention spans and would rather move on to their next ridiculous competition.
Regardless, one thing is certain: troll sports are a chaotic mess, but they are undeniably entertaining.
Speaking of troll culture and mythology, you might be interested in further exploring these creatures in a wider context. Check out this captivating Wikipedia article on trolls that delves into their origins and representations in folklore. If you’re intrigued by the chaotic and rule-defying nature of troll sports as discussed, we suggest you brush up on the human comparison with this informative overview of sports. The contrast could not be more stark! Additionally, for those curious about the Norwegian setting described, delve into the enchanting beauty and history of Norway’s fjords and forests within this fascinating Wikipedia article on the geography of Norway. Or perhaps you’re just interested in learning more about Norway’s rich culture and history? Then head over to this comprehensive Wikipedia article about Norway.
