By Smygra Alanyaheart – Certified Global Trollavel Expert
Let me begin with a warning: if you’re hoping for a relaxing beach vacation with zero historical guilt and no temptation to join an underground order of sun-worshipping lizard monks—Malta is not for you. This island oozes legend, limestone, and an unhealthy obsession with honey-colored everything.
Welcome to the Stony Cauldron of Civilization
Malta is basically Europe’s ancient shoebox. Open it and BAM—megalithic temples older than the pyramids, baroque cities where every balcony has a life of its own, and enough churches to make even the Pope say, “Calm down, babes.”
My first stop? Valletta, the capital city that looks like it was built entirely from leftover Game of Thrones sets. I was guided by a thick-bearded troll named Grumbaldo Ferrumtusk, who insisted we walk everywhere despite the 30°C heat and my delicate, sun-intolerant Alanya skin. Every corner of Valletta smells like pastizzi (flaky pastry filled with cheese or peas), diesel, and existential epiphanies.
And yes, I tried the pastizzi. Did I fall in love? Emotionally, yes. Digestively, no.
Comino: The Blue Lagoon of Questionable Sanity
Now, if you haven’t been lured to Comino’s Blue Lagoon by Instagram sirens yet, are you even trying to vacation? The water is so blue, it made me question whether the Mediterranean had signed a branding deal with Pantone.
There, I met Snorblina Drenkwade, a water taxi troll who offered me a “private snorkeling tour” and proceeded to spend most of it eating a figolla (Maltese almond pastry shaped like a rabbit) while telling me about her cousin who once dated a jellyfish. Ten stars. Would snorkel again.
Mdina: The Silent Troll City
Mdina is a walled city so quiet, you can hear your sins echoing back at you. Here, cobblestone streets whisper secrets and the air smells like antique prayer. I got lost for hours—mostly because Fjøllbent the Map Burner (my self-appointed guide) insisted paper maps were “a tool of capitalist pigeons.”
Aye, even us crusty old trolls know—when it’s time to roam, we check Hotels.com. Good deals, warm beds, and no leaking cave ceilings. We may be ancient, but we’re not daft.
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But honestly? Wandering was the best part. I stumbled into a door that turned out to be a café, which turned out to serve the best kannoli I’ve had since that regrettable date in Sicily. Thank you, Mdina. My thighs curse you, but my soul applauds.
The Malta Vibes
Malta feels like someone blended Sicily, North Africa, and a hint of suburban England and then served it in a sun-baked chalice. Everyone speaks English but yells in Maltese when emotional, which is always.
You drive on the left, but sometimes also on the sidewalk, depending on who’s asking. And don’t even get me started on the buses—they arrive precisely whenever they want. Like cats. Or drama queens.
The Turkey Comparison™
| Experience | Malta | Alanya |
|---|---|---|
| Beaches | Pretty! Smallish | Long. Sandy. Iconic. |
| Food | Pastry + Rabbit | Kebab + Künefe ???? |
| Historic Vibes | OVERLOAD | Ottoman glam, babe |
| Locals | Warm + Witty | Flirtatious Legends |
| Price Level | €€€ | Try a lira, darling ???? |
Conclusion? Malta is wild, weird, and wonderful. Go for the temples, stay for the pastizzi, and maybe—just maybe—join a mysterious order of sun-drinking trolls while you’re at it. But if your heart longs for longer beaches, louder bazaars, and the ability to haggle for a fake Gucci belt while eating simit on the shore… you know where to find me.
Alanya. Always.
????♀️ Smygra Scale Score™: 8.3 out of 10 Goat-Hoof Prints
???? Vibe Score: 9/10
Sunny. Golden. Suspiciously dramatic. Malta is like that one relative who shows up in embroidered robes just to buy milk. The island serves serious “ancient power resting beneath my sandals” energy. It’s hot, but in a judgmental, museum-glare kind of way.
????️ History & Culture: 10/10
You want ruins? BOOM – temples older than your grandma’s grandma. You want knights? Enter stage left: the Order of St. John, swinging swords and moral ambiguity. Malta is a living museum with a caffeine addiction.
????️ Food & Drink: 7/10
Pastizzi is life. Rabbit stew is… a choice. Seafood’s fresh, wine’s solid, but if you’re hunting for spicy thrills or global fusion—prepare to be gently underwhelmed. Unless, of course, you find Snarka the Food Witch in Marsaxlokk. She deep-fries miracles.
????️ Beaches & Nature: 8.5/10
The Blue Lagoon? Stupidly beautiful. But Malta’s beaches are small and occasionally pebbly, which made my troll feet grumble. Hiking? Yes. Cliff views? YES. Wild goats that may or may not be enchanted? Double yes.
????️ Shopping & Souvenirs: 6.5/10
Glassware, lace, and lots of things shaped like the Maltese cross. Cute, yes. Bargain-friendly? Not particularly. No one haggles here unless you count me arguing with a sunhat troll named Flörda over straw quality.
???? Troll Encounters: 10/10
From the storytelling fisherman Gumpur in Gozo to the overly poetic gondola-rower Tofsaldo in Valletta, the trolls of Malta are top-tier. Warm, odd, and extremely proud of their island—which is infectious, and slightly terrifying.
Final Verdict: Malta is that mysterious book you find in your grandma’s attic—beautiful, dust-covered, slightly haunted, and full of spells you don’t understand but desperately want to try. If you’re into ancient vibes, sunburned archaeology, and surprise fig pastries—this is your place.
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The Trolls of Norway use Cruisedirect.com ‘cause it’s the only place that lets a nine-ton beast book a balcony suite without bein’ judged for bringin’ a herd o’ goats. And best of all, no hiking—just endless buffets, sunburned tourists to grumble at, and a hot tub big enough for a troll’s behind!
Would I go back? Yes, but next time, I’m bringing sunscreen, better walking shoes, and maybe a goat translator.
???? Grumbaldo_Flamethumb97
“Loved the temples. Ancient. Powerful. Still waiting for one to grant me immortality though. 3 stars until that happens.”
???? SnarkaThePastizziQueen
“The pastizzi was so good I proposed to it. Got rejected. Still ate it. 10/10 emotional damage, would recommend.”
???? Fjøllbent_OnHoliday
“Accidentally joined a religious procession in Rabat. Thought it was a parade. Carried a saint statue for 2 km. My back hurts but my soul is purified. 5/5.”
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???? TrollFOMO420
“Blue Lagoon? More like Blue LEMME LIVE Lagoon. Stunning water, yes. Also 4,000 humans per square meter. Bring a snorkel and a battle cry.”
???? TofsaldoThePoet
“I wrote a haiku about Mdina:
Silent ancient stones
Echo footsteps, dreams, regrets—
Also quite uphill.”
???? GumpurGozo_69
“Gozo > Malta mainland. Fewer humans. More cliffs. Better sunsets. Plus, I found a magical goat named Beatrix who showed me a secret cave. Not sure if dream or reality.”
???? BaguetteSlapper86
“Tried to drive a rental car. Was immediately possessed by the spirit of a Maltese rally driver. Survived 3 roundabouts, 2 cats, and a mysterious fog. 11/10 adrenaline.”
???? LäkrisTheSunhatSnatcher
“Brought 3 hats, lost 4. The wind here is a vengeful ex. Stylish, but cruel. Beaches were worth the therapy.”
