—A Blørgilda Mudgrumble Report from the Wettest Depths of Dumm’en (Drammen)
DUMM’EN (Drammen), TROLLHEIM — Tragedy struck this morning when the only bridge out of the lower-muck district of Dumm’en (a festering analog to Drammen) finally gave up on existing and collapsed into the glorified puddle it crossed. The bridge, a proud structure made entirely of rotting fence posts and false promises, expired around 7:04 a.m., just as local troll commuters were beginning to consider maybe doing something with their day.
Witnesses describe the event as “loud, squelchy, and inconvenient,” which, frankly, is the Dumm’en motto—and arguably the tourism slogan of Drammen too, if we’re honest.
No serious injuries were reported, unless you count the emotional devastation of one elderly troll who dropped their swamp bread mid-collapse. “It was my last slice,” they wailed. “I baked it in ’83 and aged it like a moss wine.”
The Troll Council (known to humans as the municipal government) have issued a bold and valiant statement promising to “review the bridge’s condition by winter 2029,” and in the meantime are “strongly recommending wading or winged transport.”
Alternative routes? Nonexistent. The only detour is through the Mold Cavern, which was sealed off after the mysterious “eel choir incident” of 1641—a dark time. Or a Tuesday, in Trollheim terms.
Oh, and to really salt the swamp: the forecast is sunny for the next two days. That’s right—sunny. No fog. No drizzle. Just dry, blinding horror from the sky. Perfect conditions for skin crisping and productivity plummeting.
So the trolls of Dumm’en (Drammen) wait: mudbound, bridge-less, and increasingly hostile toward gravity itself.
Blørgilda Mudgrumble
Local News & Weather Reporter, AncientNews.com
“Infrastructure is a myth. And so is hope.”
? Troll Comments from the Pit (a.k.a. The Public)
?️ Mörg the Unbathed:
“Bridge schmridge. I been swim-commutin’ for 300 years. Builds character and fungus!”
?️ Grütilda Bracketchewer:
“I warned ‘em! Told the council the support beams were just wishbones and lies!”
?️ Snørgle from Upper Squelch:
“Used the collapse as an excuse to miss my in-law’s naming feast. Best day in decades.”
?️ Thornak the Slightly Soggy:
“Petition to name the fallen bridge ‘Flopspan IV’ and leave it as modern art?”
?️ Unknown User (Possibly the Bridge):
“I did my best. Too many trolls. Too many carts. Not enough maintenance. RIP me.”
Enjoyed reading about the soggy bridge misfortune in Trollheim? You might appreciate exploring some real-life bridge mishaps and intriguing phenomena. Speaking of collapsing infrastructures, you might be interested in the historical case of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse, famously known as “Galloping Gertie,” which spectacularly twisted itself to pieces due to aerodynamic flutter. If swampy, wet terrains pique your curiosity, dive into reading about genuine wetland ecosystems, such as Swamps or the eerily beautiful biodiversity hosted there. Additionally, if the humorous mention of “winged transport” caught your eye, you might find “flying” bridges fascinating—check out the incredible engineering behind Suspension Bridges. Alternatively, given the amusing Trollheim municipal antics, learn about actual, functioning local governance from the enlightening overview on Municipal Governments.
